It’s coming to that time of year when everyone has (hopefully) saved up a wad of cash, ready to head off to university in September and looking for the best way to spend absolutely everything they have in some whirlwind of thoughtless consumerism, before they arrive at their student accommodation in London. Here is a short list of items which are completely and utterly useless to anyone except students who are looking to waste their time and money for the sake of a cheap laugh, which I think you’ll agree makes for an honourable investment.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, sushi rolls are the bourgeois snack of the educational establishment. Why don’t you extend this opulence to your candle set too? Simply light them up and imagine your room being infused with the aroma of burnt fish.
You guys are going to have a lot to think about over the next few years and using a knife to get some butter can be really tough. Thankfully, the butter slicer has been invented so you don’t have to worry about that. The compact size means you can even take it to lectures, fully-loaded, in case of any butter-needing emergencies.
You’re going for some qualifications here – you’re moving up in the world, and your car needs to reflect that. The perfect way to do so is by getting your vehicle some eyelashes. How luxurious.
Compact Expanding Cloths
In student halls you won’t have much space, so you won’t want to be wasting that space on multi-use cloths. These ‘tablets’ expand to a full cloth with just a drop of water, technology which is proven by science to increase marks by 3%. (The previous statement is untrue).
With newfound trends requiring hats to be dubiously perched on the top of one’s head. Therefore, it’s hard to argue that an extra pair of hats for your ears won’t go amiss.
Remote Controlled Grandparent
Moving away from home can be tough on the soul. Emulate the presence of your elderly loved ones by getting a remote controlled granny. It even comes with a set of obstacles for her to navigate because, you know, she’s such an adventurer.
This football has more tears shed over it than the world cup. Get yourself the famous ball from Tom Hanks’ Castaway to keep you company on those lonely days and nights with an essay.
You may occasionally like to take a break from university work to pursue the career path of an evil genius. To do so, all you need is a diabolic scheme and one of these – The ‘Villain Chair’ by Suck UK. Even better, they only cost £4500 ($6856).
Water-Powered Shower Radio
Heaven forbid that you may be required to pay your own electricity bills. But in case of that disaster, there is a water powered radio to rinse away some of those utility bills.
Ok, this died a while ago, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use your entrepreneurial skills to bring it back. Do all of your financial admin while looming over what will be your best friend for the duration of university: the microwave meal.