I’m going to slowly glide into this post with a joke… not sure of its hilarity rating, however it is related.
What do ex wives and footballers have in common?
They all like to control balls!
They also have a way of fucking around with my life. Who knew?!
Personally, I prefer to play with balls… but that’s another post, for another day!
A couple of weeks ago, someone asked me not to write about them… my reply was simply ‘don’t make yourself newsworthy!’ Lo behold, fast forward a few weeks and the aforementioned (big word there Dave, make sure you Google it!) person did… much to my delight!
Apparently stalking my blog was an excuse to find out tips on how to date me. Kudos where it is due for ingenuity (Google it, Dave!)! So, for any future ‘Daves’ out there who need tips on how to date ‘The Sim‘, let me make it easy for you, in a ‘How not to follow your predecessor…’ type list…
1. Remember: Anything you can do, I can do better! Nah, seriously! When one has less to lose, they are in a much healthier position. Dave.
2. No amount of E63 AMG’s with 577 BPH will impress me. Granted, it’s a damn quick car and the heated seats are divine. I’d still prefer to be in the driving seat as opposed to being the co-pilot though and I was a tad disappointed at how basic it was inside for such a luxurious car. Funnily enough, for me, it’s all about the person, not the car they are driving on a particular day.
3. If you aren’t ready, then you aren’t ready. Simples. However, messing around with someone’s feelings when you are a misguided tool, makes you out to be an even bigger tool. Realising you aren’t a 20-something any more and that life does have its complications will help you overcome them and learn to be happy.
4. Don’t attempt to make me jealous, as it will backfire… and it did, didn’t it… Dave?
5. Having footballers on speed dial doesn’t impress me much. Especially when it means my plans are screwed over. See, I have this thing… If my plans are changed out of my control, it gets my back up. I really don’t like being let down, by anyone, not just people named Dave. Chelsea players on speed dial naturally would impress me.
6. Don’t invest, if you aren’t prepared to invest. Sounds like a riddle, right? On the contrary, it’s quite simple really. Don’t make a huge song and dance if you aren’t prepared to bump and grind. (I’m not talking about sex, you dirty minded reader! Totally sounds better in my head than it actually reads and will be read in the wrong way.) It means don’t just go AWOL and sulk because things aren’t hunky dory. Man up dude, grow some balls… or actually, grow a va-jayjay… because those things really do take a pounding!
7. Don’t make me question my decisions and never pressure me into making a choice (Jenny is still cross about how I handled that one!), especially when you are incapable when the shoe is on the other foot. What exactly did you win Dave?! From what I can see… diddly squat!
8. Never make promises if you have no intentions of keeping them. Oh well, at least I have a queue for ‘Legend’!
I can hold my head up high, I relented when I wanted to and gave up when I needed to. Asking me to delete my online profile was premature, but it’s all gravy. Being able to write enabled me to knock up a brand spanking new, even funnier profile in minutes. Thanks for that! 😉
So Dave, you get back to cleaning cars and doing your ‘Ray Donovan’ shizzle… One day, you will be asked to do something you don’t want to do. I’m just glad my ever shrinking ass is outta there… In the actual real world, with real, normal people, with normal lives, who don’t click their fingers and expect you to come running.
Oh, and before I forget…
9. Men should be men… men with waxed legs is just plain wrong. On all levels. Dave.
10. To finish… I hated the fact that I would have answered the call.